I was born in Baltimore, MD in 1949. My father was a candymaker and my mother an artist. And with few exceptions (one being my Catholic education), my childhood was pretty wonderful. I adored my Father but my Mother was very fragile emotionally and fell into mental illness later in life. I had a loving Grandmother who showed me in so many ways how much i was loved...as did my Father. My brother was my hero and i remember so many wonderful adventures with him as a child. We lived a pretty modest life but rich in comparison to the world. I never knew we were poor. Creating our own games and toy and going on long hikes were our diversions and it also helped to have a candy factory in our basement. Mom, when she was still well would make me original paper dolls in the Gibson Girl style each with a lavish wardrobe. Times were simple then. It was the l950's.

My Father and Grandmother both died early in my life. By the time i was 18 both were gone and my Mother fell apart at the loss of my Father. I think my family died a little too. Don't want to dwell on the bad times, for we all have them. Let's just say the 60's and most of the 70's were not my favorite decades.

I dicovered ACIM in the late 70's while reading a book by Hugh Prather. What appealed to me the most was that it was not just another belief system but offered knowledge through experience. I need not believe anything for it would be revealed to me.

Off and on over the next 20 years i used ACIM in varying degrees. In good times it could get a bit dusty and in bad times i remember taking it to bed with me and hugging it to my chest.

It was not until the 90's that God literally showed me its miracle working powers. The following is from my journal about a time in my life when i had little hope. Please don't hold it as a sad story for it was the greatest gift of my life. It opened the path for me to let go of the world and in that moment i found God...what could be bad about that. This is what happened...

Once there was a dark time during which I was consumed with hopelessness and despair. I prayed, begged and pleaded with God to save me. I believed so strongly in my hopelessness. And I felt justified in believing so. I had been sick for several years, my husband was dead and I had a small child to raise. Now, I was battling an deadly staph infection that seemed to be winning. Without some form of divine intervention I would surely die. I did die that night, at least my belief died that I could affect any possible solution to my situation. I collapsed, exhausted and empty of any belief in myself. I just gave myself up to God and waited to leave my body.  But at that moment what actually died was my ego. I remember feeling so peaceful. To my surprise, just beyond the shadow of the valley of death arose something else, another part of me...something else in me that was now open to any possibility. Within that small speck of light, that tiny opening, my belief in hopelessness started to transform. My body suddenly had no importance. I had become this observer on a wonderful, mystical, mystery tour in a land of stillness and peace.

Very little changed in my physical world. I was still attached to an IV, and nurses visited everyday to care for me. But I had a lightness of being. No longer worried about my welfare, my endless bills or how I would care for my small daughter, I was calm and at peace. There was a knowingness deep inside me that all would be fine. Over the next few months I just watched as I started to heal, physically and spiritually. As situations arose, solutions were provided… food was left at my doorstep by a loving nun, bills were paid. Once, when a car payment became due, I remember thinking, in an almost cocky fashion, "hummm, wonder how Holy Spirit will resolve this?" Sure enough, the next day a neighbor visited me with a check in hand. What was interesting was that it was not for the amount of the car payment, it was in the amount I owed on the balance of my car loan. I broke out in laughter, realizing how Holy Spirit had "one-up'd me. Eventually, I healed physically as well.

At the time, I had been a student of ACIM for many years, but I was fortunate enough to be placed in a situation that allowed me to see it in action. The words of the Course opened a path, but I needed to trust the Holy Spirit. At that moment when… "I just gave up", HS brought me face to face with my duality and the distinction between my ego-based self and that which is pure love. What a beautiful gift…for to realize it in myself, I now see it in everyone else as well. Being raised Catholic I was often reminded about our "original sin", but never about our "original innocence". That was what the whole experience brought to my awareness. We all have our own unique and beautiful brokenness that we can hold onto tightly and try to repair ourselves or give lovingly over to God. Everything when perceived correctly is pure Love.

In the years following my illness, I developed a mantra… "Everything always works out". My belief in hopelessness is gone. I now believe that anything is possible. I still have my ego attacks and moments of
panic like everyone else but they pass by quickly when I remember to stop struggling and surrender myself to the Holy Spirit. I worry less about what the solution is to a particular problem, but rather I try to live in the mystery as I watch it be resolved.

In blessings and love, lana