Friday, August 25, 2017

There is one thing that getting older gives you and that is an opportunity to look back on your experiences and notice that most, if not all, served you in some way. It is called perspective. We can look and see what a past experience taught us and in some way moved us forward on our journey in life.

I remember one such circumstance. I'll never forget it. It was the morning i had a doctor's appointment to go over certain "test results." At the time i was in my mid-twenties and had been married five years. My husband and I had good jobs, we had saved money and owned a simple but lovely home.
We both felt it to be the perfect time to start our family.

Although i had a "good job," a career was never my intention in life. All i ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I watched Let it to Beaver and The Donna Reed Show regularly and could not wait until the time I could kiss my "good job" good bye and start living my dream. Even though this was the mid 70's, I was never part of the Women's Liberation Movement. To be honest, I was not a part of any social movement and there were plenty at that time in history. My sole goal was to be a good wife and mother.

So the "test results" I received at the Doctor's that morning had profound ramifications on my life. You see, through some glitch in my genetic coding, I found out that I was sterile. It was not associated with any dread disease, it was just what the Doctor referred to as a curse. Yep, that was exactly the term he used. I was cursed. At the ripe old age of 25 I was experiencing a premature menopause. Without going into the ugly details, let's just say it was not a pleasant experience. But most tragic of all, it meant i would not fulfill my lifelong dream of being a mother.

You might say...just adopt a child. That was my thought too. We will just adopt children. Nope, my husband was not open to it at all...it had to be his child or no child. I could understand his right to feel that way just as i had a right to want to adopt. I was not angry with him, yet it was always the elephant in the room and it adversely affected our marriage. We could not even discuss it without us ending up fighting and not speaking to each other for days.

Since, motherhood was not on the horizon, i decided to find a job that i actually enjoyed rather than a job that was merely a means to an end. By the way, the job i had was underwriting health insurance. It was my job to look for ways to reject people from being approved for health insurance. Not a very uplifting job. So that summer, i quit. I signed up with a temporary agency and went from job to job testing the waters until i found something i liked. Little did i know, i would find the job that changed everything.

Meanwhile, back at the marriage, after countless separations we decided to call it quits. We both came to the same conclusion at the exact same time. We both wanted different things and better to cut our loses and move to the lives we both desired. We remained friends until he died about 10 years later.

The position i accepted was with a Greeting Card Company. That is a whole other blog. But for now, back my new single life. Which i'm going to skip over now to get to the point of this blog. Learning from experience.

When i looked back and was totally honest, i was not ready to be a mother. The marriage was on life support from the beginning and become a mother was just my way of hiding from the truth that i had no idea who i was and what i wanted. But my heart did ache all those years wondering "why me" Why me out of kazillon other women went thru menopause at 25. I felt cheated and robbed of motherhood.

Little did i know then but in 12 years i would meet Tom, my absolute Soul Mate, my Lover and best friend. At that time, i had a full blown fabulous career in Art Marketing. I was almost 40 and thoughts of motherhood had faded away years before. There i was enjoying my wonderful life. We had it all and we enjoyed and loved each other so much. My feelings of being cheated had transformed into only gratitude for the life i was living.

It was at that moment, out of the blue, that Tom came home one night and told me one of his sub-contractor's girlfriend was pregnant and she was giving it up for adoption. Even though he was 60 years old, had three grown children who were close to my age, he loved me so much that he did not want me to miss my chance at motherhood. He told me that if it was still something i wanted, he wanted it too and would totally commit to being a wonderful father to our child.

Initially, i was shocked. Like it said, it came out of the blue. I thought of all the women where i worked who were on long waiting lists, waiting and waiting for babies from China, Romania and other countries. Even the President of the company was waiting for a baby from England. Most had been waiting for more than 2 years. So now, this soon to be beautiful baby girl just drop from heaven? I thought about it for just 5 minutes and told Tom YES, a resounding YES, I'm in.

God knew the perfect timing for me to become a mother even though i didn't. God knew when i was ready before i knew and he also knew the perfect father for our new little Maggie. Just 3 months later at two days old, we brought her home from the hospital.

Twelve years earlier i thought my life was over, no marriage, a job i despised and no chance of being a mother. Now i had everything, everything i had ever hoped for. I had learned much during those 12 years. I discovered the profession i could be passionate about, i learned what i truly wanted in a husband and found a man that fit the description perfectly. And now i saw was the perfect time for a child. I had a career so there would never be a feeling of sacrificing anything. I could be the mother this precious child deserved.

Never fear when dreams seem delayed or postponed or even seem cancelled. Anything is possible. And God's timing is always perfect! 😍




Wednesday, February 3, 2016


YOU ARE WORTHY OF YOUR OWN LOVE

On just about every page of ACIM, in one way or another, Jesus reminds us that we are worthy. He tells us that our Value has nothing to do with anything we do or don't do in this world. And, that our Value was established by God in the moment of our Creation. The fact that our worth and value are mentioned so often in ACIM is because until we perceive our own value, until we love ourself, we will not be able to perceive it within our brothers. And, just as important, we will feel unworthy to hear Holy Spirit within our mind. Become your own best friend. In doing so you will become aware that you are NEVER alone for the Light that is YOU is the same Light you share with God and your brothers.  You ARE the Son of God.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011



The human condition is a futile struggle in trying to make something out of nothing. The tragedy is in the decision to believe that the nothing is actually something real. 
“By GIVING power to nothing he throws away the joyous opportunity to learn that nothing HAS no power.” Urtext
The only problem we ever have is believing we have a problem.  ; )

Monday, August 15, 2011

Behold, the Kingdom of God

To NOT be a victim of the ego, requires one to accept it's unreality and not use it as a means to justify behavior in our self or in others. The ego cannot be understood, changed, or tamed since the ego has no basis in reality.

A better use of "time" is in the devotion to getting to know one's soul which is one with its Creator.  This is revealed quite naturally in our complete willingness to see Truth instead of illusions.

The Truth does not hide, it is there to behold.  To "behold" is to look upon something in the absence of judgment...Behold, the Kingdom of God.  The veil is lifted in the total suspension of judgment.  The "real world" appears and everyone and everything in it show up  lovely and loving.  Behavior modification had nothing to do with it for truth has no need for modification being already whole and perfect.   Become an observer and "behold" the love of God, as it unfolds before you.  Live in the wonderment of it all.  One then has a realization of the words "God is in everything I see."  God is in my mind, therefore,  i am in God's.  There is nothing outside of this reality.

Blessings and Love